


Shitty Feelings

by The_Twister



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depressing, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 11:09:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10852743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Twister/pseuds/The_Twister
Summary: Another small thing about depression.





	Shitty Feelings

Honestly, life had been hard. Bosses were yelling at her and the boyfriend was complaining about not spending enough time together. She rubbed her face as she sat in the sanctuary she owned. The curtains drawn and the only light in the room was the television. She stared at it in her nervousness and she could feel her depression spiking. She tried to will it down but she didn’t want it to. Not this time around. She felt so much more alive when the depression came.

The feeling of heat upon her skin gave her the thrill she needed. Lighting matches then holding the unlasting flame against her clammy skin. She wasn't sure why she felt so much relief from it but she did. She would shudder and smirk to the fact that no one knew her guilty pleasure. No one knew the turmoil she was wallowing in.

She never had any reason to tell others. She wore frilly skirts with see through shirts. Revealing that she didn’t wear a bra most of the time yet her nipples were never seen through. 

Through careful administrations was how she protected herself. Building wall after wall and concealing her walls within a titanium vault with a diamond shaped lock. No one could get in and if they did then her security was screwed. She didn’t care for others because she was too focused on herself. Too focused on the fact that she didn’t need someone else’s help to get through her hard times.

She plastered on a smile for customers and thanked them for their patronage. Reminding them to have a great day while she didn’t. She tried. It was never enough though. Every other day the manager would have to remind her to smile. To brighten a customer’s day with small talk. She tried since she wanted to be a good employee but it never came with sincere feelings. It was always faked and she was sure all the customers always saw through her facade.

She’d come home almost every night with tears streaming down her face. She plop down on her misshapen couch and curse the day she was born. Go to the bathroom and try to wash all the filth of life off of her. Go to the bathroom and cry. She didn’t know why but it never made her feel better. Only the feeling of intense heat against her skin gave her release. 

It gave her the comfort of knowing that she was okay and could survive another day if she tried. And that she did. She tried and tried until the dam broke. Everything spilled out and her best friend was the one to pick up the pieces.

Her episode happened at a slumber party with the said friend. They were drinking and the friend was talking about how bad a week she was having. Not really watching her friend since she didn’t know how it affected the other. She kept talking and only noticed when she spilled the drink.

It was a heartbreaking scene. Seeing your best friend clutch at her heart and hear her say she wants to die. It makes your week worse and isn’t meant for the faint of heart. The wails of a close friend always makes you think that you’ve done everything wrong.

But you two got through it. Got through it together because friends do that for each other. Not all the time but most of the time.

From then on was when she started to change. It started slowly at first but the train kept chugging along and she eventually began to behave “normally”. Sure, there were still the dysfunctional days but she could manage them all. She always could. 

She thanked her friends and family for all the support because it was important. It meant something to her. Her brilliant smile came back to her and she was radiant like she had been in her youth.

She greeted customers happily and began to comment on their outfits.

That was why it was so out of the blue to find the note. It was carefully written. Perfect loops on the letters that needed them and the sentences pieced together perfectly.

It described her time there but how she couldn’t handle it anymore.

A hand goes to the mouth of the person reading and tears roll down. Round wet spots appearing on the note as she kept reading.

Her friend had wanted to be better for her friends and family at least one last time. She wanted to show them her smile and healthy side though it had been so hard. She wanted to cry so many times. She wanted to curl up and die so many times but she pulled through. But something had pushed her over the edge and the note hadn’t stated what.

The friend wasn’t sure what to do as she began to shake. She immediately called the authorities when she found the note and let it fall from her hand. She couldn’t handle the fact that one of her closest friends could have left her in this world. This dreadful world.

Everything was a blur for the next couple of hours and all she could think about was all the things she could’ve done to prevent it. Nothing obvious came to mind. She thinks it was because she hadn’t tried hard enough but she was wrong. She had tried her hardest but it just didn’t work. 

  
So, the cycle repeats. Grief and loss are one that come in a pair. It often leads to us finding ourselves or not. Either you fall into a depression or you just don’t have the motivation to keep living. Either way it’s not fair. Nothing’s fair.

**Author's Note:**

> These are just written up on the spot and not edited. So here. I am just posting them for fun.


End file.
